Terrible Songs From Brilliant Albums, Part 3
It’s the return of Metal trash-talk! Here are the rules of the game:
Single out an absolute masterpiece of an album, a timeless release from a great band, full of brilliant songs and priceless treasures. We’re talking desert-island-disc material.
Identify the bad song(s).
That’s it. We don’t want crap songs from crap artists; we don’t want weak songs from great artists’ poor albums – – Just call out the songs that suck on records that are otherwise excellent.
Examples from part 1:
“Escape” – Metallica from Ride the Lightning
“Quest for Fire” by Iron Maiden from Piece of Mind
“Invaders” by Iron Maiden from The Number of the Beast
“The Time is Coming” by Testament from Practice What You Preach
“Silent Scream” by Slayer from South of Heaven
And part 2:
“Deja Vu” – Iron Maiden – Somewhere in Time
“Thanx For Nothin” – Overkill – Horrorscope
“Bloodstone” – Judas Priest – Screaming For Vengeance
“Lone Justice” – Anthrax – Spreading the Disease
“No Bone Movie” – Ozzy Osbourne – Blizzard of Ozz
Get it? Let’s move on to the new batch of roughs in the diamonds.
“Blood and Fire” – Type O Negative – Bloody Kisses
The interludes all over “Bloody Kisses” are a bit odd, but the only bad moments come near the end of the album (I’m talking about the track listing for the original release). “Too Late: Frozen” is a near miss, but it’s OK. A little silly, sure, but the preserved error in the intro is great, as is the “Yo Hooo” part. The only actual “Bloody Kisses” song that I ever skip is “Blood and Fire.” For a record with “Christian Woman,” “Black No. 1,” “Can’t Lose You,” and all of the other timeless tracks, “Blood and Fire” sounds like something from your friends’ weak-ass garage band, maybe even something from YOUR weak-ass garage band. It’s so bland, generic, and uninteresting that it’s painful. Yeah, I’m a man, but it still hurts. “Bloody Kisses” is a work of genius, not a lack of talent, with the exception of this song. No more nights of Blood and Fire. Please.
“A Little Time” – Helloween – Keeper of the Seven Keys – Part 1
The only blunder on Helloween’s world-changing “Keeper of the Seven Keys – Part 1” album. It’s an absolute dud, but somehow ended up as the second full song on side 1, nestled between two high-speed Power Metal greats: “I’m Alive” and “Twilight of the Gods.”
The chorus on “A Little Time” is grating, the sound effects are laughably cheesy, the riff is forgettable, the lyrics are trite; it’s just a big misstep from a brilliant band.
The entire “Keeper of the Seven Keys” legacy is indisputable, but someone in Helloween should have hit SNOOZE on this song.
A second runner-up baddie for Helloween could have been “Rise and Fall” from Kot7K – Part 2. . . but in some strange way, that goofy-ass tune has become. . . somehow tolerable. . . to me with age. I can’t defend it, but I don’t skip it (anymore), and it even brings a little smile to my face.
If anything, “A Little Time” has gotten worse, over the years. This one gets a cringe and then a skip to the next track.
“Deconstruction” – Devin Townsend Project – Deconstruction
“I don’t eat the cheeseburgers, guys, I’m a vegamatarian.”
“Deconstruction” is actually the best kind of bad, because it’s endlessly fascinating and fun. Heavy Devy is Metal’s greatest mad genius, and his megabrain is fully on display in the philoso-scientific musings throughout “Deconstruction,” along with random blasts of semi-musical guitar shreddery, spoken dialogue, choral vocals, and. . . graphic toilet sounds. . . All the more bizarre, because it features inscrutable guest appearances from smart/scatological humor icon Dave Brockie (aka Oderus Urungus of GWAR – – RIP) and guitarist Fredrik Thordenal of Meshuggah. This album is one of the greatest of this century – – possibly Devin’s crowning (don’t). . . crowning achievement. The title track is wacky enough that it doesn’t detract from the overall, but it’s just a little too bonkers, and at 9:27 in length, too long to really profoundly enjoy as a song. For heavy musical greatness, check out literally every other song on the album.
“Sorry?!” – Suicidal Tendencies – How Will I Laugh Tomorrow When I can’t Even Smile Today
I hate to diss a song with an interrobang in the title, but wow, “Sorry?!” is as also-ran and awful as it gets. Is this Mike’s mom’s apology for failing to bring him a Pepsi? Or is Mike apologizing for the awfulness of this song right there in the title?
ST jumped from Punk to Thrash at the perfect time in 1988, delivering a refreshing, cathartic emotional charge of Heavy power chord greatness on “How Will I Laugh Tomorrow When I Can’t Even Smile Today.” Many of the songs deal with negative emotions, but they instill strains of defiance, empowerment, empathy, and joy – – yes, joy – – in the listener. This album took the Metal world by storm, inspiring legions of kids to flip up the brims of their baseball caps. I overlook the one or two filler tunes in favor of the anthems and monster deep cuts, but there’s one pothole in the middle of side 2 that you can’t steer your low-rider around. “Sorry?!” is the reason why I can’t even smile today. The song is so forgettable, I can’t remember it well enough to explain to you why it’s so offensively dull and uninteresting. I’ve pledged my allegiance – – Suicidal for life – – but I’m gonna skip this song every time it comes on. Sorry, not sorry.
Reminder: I love the bands and albums listed above; my disdain is just for those specific songs. And if I offended you, oh, I ‘m sorry. . . Just remember that these are my opinions, not necessarily those of the Metal Hall.
Jack Mangan is best known in the Metal world as lead author/project runner for the “Am I Evil?” graphic novel, as a journalist with MetalAsylum.net and the official Metal Hall of Fame. and also as co-host of the popular (sporadic these days) Metal Hall of Fame and MetalAsylum.net livestreams with Rich Catino. He’s made a few guest appearances as a panelist on The Metal Voice. In an adjacent life, he was a podcast pioneer, with numerous appearances on Technorama, Dragon Page, Escape Pod/Pseudopod, and many others, including his own productions: Jack Mangan’s Deadpan, and the Podcast novel, “Spherical Tomi.” Friend him on Facebook if you can find him, but be warned: he’s not great about checking Facebook Messenger.
